The 5 Love Languages

Finding opportunities to build healthy friendships

Many kids want stronger friendships but feel totally stuck.  Some have moved and don’t know anyone, others are feeling the pain of losing friends, some are looking to grow their circle even larger, and others are battling their desire to make friends with their introverted nature.

While there is no doubt that middle school and high school can bring lots of challenges, I have total confidence in what our kids have to offer the world and the friendships they can create.  Plus, I LOVE helping kids make friends!  It is so much fun.

There are many tools I use to help kids create healthy friendships, but today I just want to show you why the 5 love languages are so awesome. 

When I first heard of the 5 love languages I thought it was just for romantic relationships, but when I started coaching the 5 love languages quickly became a powerful tool to help kids 1) appreciate and use their natural talents, 2) understand where they could improve their social skills, 3) take advantage of the opportunities around them, and 4) lead with love.

Below I’ve listed the names of the 5 love languages, some of my favorite skills they help develop, and the reasons and ways they help teenagers. 

I hope these love languages help your child see the opportunities they have around them to grow new or stronger friendships. 

The 5 Love Languages

The skills they ALL help develop:  Awareness of others and of their surroundings, maturity, being okay with feeling uncomfortable, and loving!

Love Language #1:  Quality Time

Skills- Planning, preparing, showing up, inviting, participating and being present at fun and edifying activities & dates.

• It’s good to know that just enjoying an activity is a great way to get to know someone. Sharing your time with people is an easy way to say, “You’re a priority in my life.” or “I like to be with you.”  I always say that making friends is a numbers game, not a perfection game.  You’re sure to learn, grow, and connect when you take advantage of the opportunities around you to reach out, invite, and are present with people around you.  If you like to plan big fun activities then go for it, but know that even just taking advantage of the little moments in and between classes, during lunch, or just slowing down to look around at the people around you can go a long way.

Love Language #2:  Acts Of Service

Skills- Observation, empathizing, humility, serving, and sharing your talents.

• When I think of acts of service I think of my husband and father-in-law.  While they both are great to talk to, I think they would both say that they are more introverted.  Instead of spending lots of time talking, they are good at seeing where there is a need and helping others.  My father-in-law is always the first to help with dishes or assist someone in the family.  My husband is great at fixing things.  You too have talents that people around you need.  You don’t have to be flashy to make a lot of friends!  Just use your talents to help people around you.  If you’re good at Math, create a study group or help people with their homework.  If you’re good at cooking, bake goodies for your friends or classes.  If you’re a good listener, take time to listen to people who have a lot on their minds.  There is no lack of need in your school and community.  Dive in and serve each other.

Love Language #3:  Physical Touch

Skills- Navigating hugs, patting shoulders, understanding appropriate physical touch, personal boundaries, and having a positive presence (with waving and smiling).

• Once in High School my close group of guy friends had a sleepover.  Apparently at some point during the night they rated which girls gave the best hugs.  The next week I laughed my face off when they informed me that I was rated worst hugger.  It was true.  Back then I was queen of the side hug.  I loved to talk to people, but didn’t care to touch anyone or to have anyone touch me.  Fast Forward to my mission in Argentina when I became the biggest hugger because I was so frustrated that I couldn’t communicate with people I loved so much.  When I couldn’t speak, I learned the power of a hug, the side beso greeting, grabbing someone’s hand when they felt extremely low, and a pat on the shoulder to let people know that they did a good job.  Oftentimes our body language says more than words.  Even if you “aren’t a hugger” learning how to have appropriate and not awkward physical touch is part of growing up.  

Love Language #4:  Gifts

Skills- Creativity, money management, gift wrapping, listening skills, cooking, and writing.

• I think it’s sad that people think that giving gifts is superficial, when really it’s a way of using your time, talents, and money to show others that you’re thinking of them.  Remembering the things your friends appreciate or desire, and spending your own money on other people’s is a very kind act.  My favorite gift is food haha. Bringing food to a class, team, or party is sometimes a simple way to show people that you care about them.  Gifts are also great for when you don’t have time to spend time with people, when people aren’t ready to interact with you, or when you’re trying to get to know someone but don’t feel it’s appropriate to invite them into your space.  

Love Language #5:  Words of Affirmation

Skills- Communication!  Specifically asking questions, giving sincere compliments, solving conflicts, and feeding conversations.

• I am very much a words of affirmation kind of gal, but even if I wasn’t I believe strongly that we all need to improve our ability to communicate.  To me shyness isn’t an excuse.  Don’t get me wrong, I know not everyone likes to talk a ton and I want everyone to build their own personalized natural talents, but communicating with people we don’t know or agree with is part of becoming a mature adult. We need to understand that being able to hold a conversation is a skill that takes PRACTICE.  Everyone says stupid things sometimes and everyone experiences many awkward conversations.  For you to have a healthy future relationship with your family, roommates, friends, and future spouse you need to be able to use your words to express yourself, learn about others, and find resolutions to conflicts.  In coaching we often practice having conversations.  It’s nice to practice what you want to say before you have to confront a teacher, parent, or friend.   Teenagers often put too much weight into saying clever things instead of saying things with integrity, honesty, and kindness.

Okay I really would love to hear what you guys think about the 5 love languages and how your family has used them in your own unique ways to grow family friends.