Narcissus
Vanity - A thief of time and joy.
"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with grass stains on my shoes from mowing Sisters Schenk's lawn. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors' children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."
-Marjorie Hinckley
Today I want to emphasize this beautiful quote by Marjorie Hinkley because it’s a topic that’s weighed on my mind for a long time through many conversations I’ve had with kids about popularity, their body image, and creating an awesome life.
All forms of communication leave room for misunderstanding, but like art, your appearance can give unspoken information to how you’re feeling, what you believe, your interests, where you spend your time, your temperament, how you spend money, your intentions, and your self-confidence. Pretending your appearance doesn’t say something is insulting to your eyes and their ability to process visual information. It must also be insulting to stylists and designers who make their living understanding how lines, textiles, fabrics, colors, patterns, textures and shapes influence how we see things.
If you’ve ever worn some grubby old clothes but changed to go out, or refused to wear a jersey from an opposing team, or cared about the logos on your clothes then you are proving my point. You know your appearance has some power because you are using it to try and influence people’s thoughts about you or the world. If everyone on earth committed to wearing the classic alien silver jumpsuit (like I wish we would), then of course our clothes would say very little about us. But we don’t. We’re all choosing to wear clothing for different reasons.
As a teacher I know that pulling your hood over your face says something, wearing a bright orange suit to prom says something else, hiding your body in loose clothing and wincing when people come near you also says something, peeling out of the school parking lot in a new car says something, and eye contact with a smile says something too.
WARNING: Let me be clear that I am talking about our INFLUENCE and not about controlling other people. While your appearance can influence others, it doesn’t control others. You control yourself, and can work on being a good influence, but you cannot control and you are NEVER responsible for the actions of others. If anyone ever abuses you and blames it on how you look, that’s absolute nonsense. People are responsible for their own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
The reason I’m bringing all of this up today is because I’ve noticed that many of my clients are HYPER focused on their appearance.
Have you ever heard of the greek fable about Narcissus? If not, this should really put things into perspective. The story is about a man named Narcissus whose mother was told by a blind seer that he would live a long time as long as he never saw or recognized himself. But because Narcissus rejected the love of a nymph he was punished by the goddess of retribution who led him to a pool to see his reflection in the water. When he saw his own reflection he fell in love with himself, into despair, and ended his life.
Now I’m all about positive body image, but this isn’t it. This is an example of self-obsession. To him, his image was more important than his friends, family, talents, and even his own life. The word narcissism actually comes from this story of Narcissus, and while it might sound like a dramatic fable, we are seeing this right now. We don’t just occasionally glance into pools of water, we have mirrors all around us. We carry and look into small mirrors, aka our phones, wherever we go. We record how we look and constantly hand out images of ourselves all over the internet. It’s crazy.
Sometimes I feel like I’m living in the capital of Panem from ‘The Hunger Games’. Somehow, while thousands of people are fighting to meet their basic needs, our cultural dress standards and idols are looking less natural, more complicated, and ask for more of our time, money, and energy. I even see this as I visit high schools. There are many kids that are half dead, in desperate need for love and attention, and are overlooked by kids who are concerned with their own image.
Teens, I see you. You are awesome and your world is opening up with opportunities! Some of you are excited to start driving or get your first job. Others of you are ready to meet new people, make incredible memories, and laugh your faces off. But here’s the thing, despite what the world may tell you, being the hottest in the room does not add up to having the largest, happiest, and most fulfilling life, or the strongest relationships. How can you do anything fun or loving when your mind is focused on analyzing everyone’s appearance? Think about it, who had a better time... Steve Erwin or Kim Kardashian; the teens from ‘Gossip Girl’ or the teens from ‘Stranger Things’? Kim Kardashian might be well dressed, live expensively, and stir up some drama, but Steve Erwin made a difference in the world and had an awesome family. The ‘Stranger Things’ kids in my opinion were actually doing fun things. They weren’t decorations. They made memories, created healthy friendships, and developed skills.
So, how can we shift our focus?
Love yourself, regardless of how you look.
Disliking yourself and thinking you are better than others are BOTH signs of insecurity because they are both based on comparisons and on your circumstances. Your circumstances do not determine how you feel. We’ve all seen gorgeous people who don’t like how they look and people who have everything in the world who still don’t love themselves. True self-confidence comes from loving THOUGHTS about yourself. Loving yourself regardless of what you have puts you in an extremely powerful place. In order to be self-confident you will need to grow extremely aware of your self-talk and practice powerful thoughts. It might sound too simple or feel weird to try, but I promise it works.
2. Decide WHO you really want to be.
Intentionally prioritize what’s important to you. Decide what opinions you will listen to, where you want to spend your time, and how you will spend your money. People might have a powerful influence, but YOU choose what you give your heart to. There are only so many hours in a day, days in a year, and years in your life. You are precious, so where will you focus yourself? Businesses, people, and advertisements aren’t inherently bad, but you need to be careful. Don’t be tricked by marketing strategies, filters, fake accounts, pretty pictures, clever wording, belittling, comparisons, and paid advertisements. Be honest about your own motives and if what you’ve prioritized in the past is actually edifying or uplifting.
3. Shift your focus.
In a world trying to sexualize children I’m extremely grateful for people and organizations that are on the side of protecting kids and letting kids be kids. Even you teenagers out there, you’re still kids! Enjoy where you are. Let yourself be a kid. Stop focusing on your body. Stop focusing on other peoples’ bodies. Just leave everyone’s bodies alone. Remember Narcissus! Even if he hadn’t died he would have had a very lame life staring into a pool of water
Get a cast if you have a broken bone, and go to a doctor if you’re sick… BUT if your legs are working, get moving. If your nose can breathe then smell the flowers. If your mouth is working then go eat some yummy street tacos. Give thanks for the good health you have and go enjoy this incredible world! Put your appearance and clothes back in their place. Instead of your activities being the backdrop to how you look, let your outfits be a fun side note to living a full life.
Instead of comparing yourself to your friends, think of how you can serve your friends. Ask yourself, how can I cheer on the kids at my school? Instead of planning the perfect outfit, plan a wildly fun activity or date. Maybe the funnest activities require more practical or durable clothing. Instead of hyper focusing on how you look, hyper focus on your goals. What do you want people to remember about you? Instead of thinking about what you lack, think about what you have! The more you are grateful, the more you’ll attract good things.
Here’s something cool - When we stop hyperfocusing on how we look, clothes can be fun again. We can have fun dressing up for a school dance and also not compare everyone’s outfits. When we truly love our natural skin, family nose, and unique eyes, makeup can be a fun addition. When we have self-confidence, skin care, pedicures, and hair salons are extra treats to enjoy. There is a difference between buying a new shirt because you love it vs. buying a new shirt because you want to look cool or because you think you “need” it. We need very few things to stay alive.
(PRO TIP TO PARENTS: I would NOT recommend giving your kids makeup, trendy clothes, new cars, acrylic nails, or even hair dye until they truly appreciate their natural appearance and their current circumstances. Please, hold off as long as you can, give them plenty of time to practice loving themselves.)
4. Be a positive influence by helping other people put their mirrors down as well.
When you stop focusing on appearances you can focus on people’s souls, talents, minds, and strengths. When you’re a positive example of not caring about appearances it allows other kids to relax about their own as well. Remind your friends that there are funny costumes to wear, music to be made, places to be discovered, people to love, sports to be enjoyed, and laughter to be heard.
If you think I’m being condescending then know that I work on this too. All of us need to work on loving ourselves, loving others, and prioritizing. I grew up dancing in front of mirrors my whole life. Studying dance in college meant it was my full time job to analyze how I looked. I used to pick myself apart. Luckily, now when I’m surrounded by mirrors in my hot yoga class I have a loving conversation with my body. I remind myself that I’m there to stay healthy and not to become America's next top model. I tell my legs, arms, organs, heart, lungs, feet, elbows, knees, and hands “thank you” over and over again. When I’m sweating my face off, I feel grateful for my skin. When I’m holding a difficult yoga pose for a long time I am grateful for my hard work. Sometimes I remember when I shattered the bones in my foot and I feel grateful just standing there. When I am grateful for my health I’m empowered to keep going.
A couple of months ago I discovered a ridiculous thought that I had been practicing in my mind for a while. It told me that I, a 30 year old woman, should look in the mirror and see legs that were miraculously 4 inches longer. I literally laughed out loud when I noticed that weird thought in my brain. How did I think that was going to happen? It was a ridiculous thought that kept me from appreciating my legs and wasted my precious time.
It turns out we all have more life in us to live! We all have opportunities waiting around the corner. Our lives are meant for living; not just decorating.
I hope you know that you are much more impressive than the most expensive brands, clothes, cars, and new technology.
Your beauty is more jaw dropping than New York Fashion Week, a good black Friday sale, and cashmere sweaters.
Even on your greasy hair, no makeup, sweatsuit, and forgot to shave days, you are like a beautiful mountain. Miraculous, beautiful, and powerful.
You don’t need diamonds because you are the diamond. Remember that.