Kind vs. Nice

Intention is everything.

I had an epiphany last summer that changed the way I help kids grow healthy positive relationships, and I hope it can turn a few wheels in your own brain as well.

Oftentimes we use the words “kind” and “nice” interchangeably without even thinking about it.   Kindness and niceness both describe doing something good, but being kind and being nice are actually very different and when misunderstood will give you two totally different results. 

So, what’s the difference?

Niceness comes from the feeling of OBLIGATION.  It often looks like being polite.  Opening the door for someone, nodding at people you pass by, and saying please and thank you are all examples of being nice.  Being nice comes from your “I should…” thoughts.  It’s when you do things, not because you feel very excited or motivated, but because you believe it to be the “right” thing to do.

Before I get into kindness I want to clarify that I do believe everyone should be polite.  Politeness can help build a good foundation and solid habits, and I strongly believe it’s important to do the right thing even if we don’t feel excited about it.  My problem with niceness is that it won’t give you the powerful results you may be looking for.  If you’re looking for better relationships, stronger friendships, or a wiper positive influence then you need to create a deeper emotion.

Kindness on the other hand comes from feelings of LOVE.  Love doesn’t come from “I should…” thoughts, it comes from thoughts of desire.  Love is the most powerful emotion (see my valentine’s post to read one of my favorite passages about love).  Whenever you approach something with love you are actually approaching it with more sincerity, attention, motivation, integrity, care, and excitement.  Thus you will be more successful and feel better at anything you attempt with love.  

Obligation will move your feet, but love will put a spring in your step.

So, why should you care?  Why not just settle for being nice?

Because people can often tell the difference between kindness and niceness, and people don’t care to spend the time or energy on people who don’t value them.

Think about it.

People can tell when someone really cares about them or is just being polite.  They can tell when you’re saying “hi” because you feel bad for them, vs when you’re excited to see them.  They can tell when an invitation is sincere.  They can tell when you’re sincerely sorry vs. just apologizing.  People can tell when you think they’re important, giving an honest answer, or want them to succeed.  

I’ve had clients come to me confused about how they did all the “right” things, didn’t try to hurt people, but weren’t well liked by their peers.  Together, we pondered if they were being kind or if they were just being nice; if they really cared about others or if they were being polite for their own personal benefit.  

Haven’t we all been there.  I know I have.  Haven’t we all smirked instead of smiled?  Haven’t we all given insincere apologies, compliments, and invitations?  

Please don’t use this blog post to judge the people around you.  This blog post isn’t to judge where anyone else is, but to look inside of ourselves. 

Luckily creating more love is as easy as practicing loving thoughts!  A slight change of focus can help you remember everyone’s inherent value, bring awareness to the perspectives and experiences of others, and give you new wisdom.

If you are an adult or parent working with a child instead of saying, “be nice.”  Explain and demonstrate real love.

If you’re a kid.  Love wider and deeper.  Everyone is 100% lovable and there are so many people ready to be loved. Go get ‘em!  Show them that they are seen, heard, and valued!  

You’ve got this.