Character vs. Personality
For anyone who has ever compared or questioned their own personality.
Once, before I started coaching, a tearful teenager confided in me her dislike for her own personality and how she struggled to make friends. She shared a number of awkward social situations, how she wished she was more extraverted and spontaneous, and how conflicted she felt trying to fit in. I listened dutifully as she shared, but as I listened 3 things became very clear in my mind.
NUMBER 1: It was funny to me that the traits she didn’t like about herself were those of the human I fell in love with!... my husband. My husband and I have similar interests but very different energies. He is extremely methodical and I am loud and spontaneous. My aunt would always tell me, “Some people are the steak and some are the sizzle.” And that’s how I feel about Tyler. He brings the sustenance and I bring the energy. He’s not extremely outgoing, but he’s easy to love because he’s smart, adventurous, athletic, reliable, trustworthy, hardworking, honest, fun, and kind.
NUMBER 2: Sometimes it’s easier to see the positives in others than it is to see the good in ourselves. I’ve had plenty of times where I wished I had her qualities. I’ve always admired girls that were extremely chill, easily organized, and composed.
NUMBER 3: I loved her desire to become her best self and make friends, but her worries about her personality were sending her down a useless path.
Since this conversation, I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect about personalities. I’m extremely grateful she opened up to me because our conversation has helped me now as a teacher and life coach, in teaching my clients about self-confidence.
So, if you’ve ever felt how this sweet girl did, I would like to share one of the secrets to a great personality.
Here’s the secret to a great personality:
Prioritize building your character and talents.
And when I say character I mean integrity, love, work ethic, honesty, self-confidence, faith, love, patience and any other good virtue you can think of. In fact, don’t worry about your personality at all. You can look at it, understand all its colors and angles, but don’t worry about it.
Now, I get it. Right now there is an ever growing pressure to create an image for yourself. Everyone is becoming hyper focused on their look, attitude, mannerisms and way of speaking. Instead of becoming a better PERSON there is this push to create a PERSONA. And this persona doesn’t just have a name and interests, they have filters, catchphrases, and an aesthetic so intentionally crafted it’s as if they’re trying to create their own sitcom, starring themselves.
BUT, luckily it’s your character that will make or break your awesome personality. Having good character is like eating a fresh watermelon, giving life and energy, while having a persona is like eating watermelon flavored candy, lacking in sustenance and giving only temporary satisfaction.
Your personality is awesome. I don’t have any problem with it. The problem is in FOCUSING exclusively on your personality instead of focusing on building your character.
Here’s why:
When we focus on building a personality we are susceptible to sacrificing our integrity or character. This can look like (a.) defining yourself by temporary trends, experiences, interests, or opinions instead of principles thereby having to constantly remodel yourself, (b.) pretending to be someone you feel deep inside that you are not, (c.) hurting others in an effort to be cool or funny, or (d.) doing things that you morally don’t agree with in an effort to be liked. I even warn kids about defining themselves by their current interests or struggles. Don’t close yourself off from growing beyond your current self. Allow yourself to strip away activities, labels, and hobbies that don’t serve you.
Worrying about your personality doesn’t help your personality! It actually makes you act more awkward. Your natural charm will flow when you focus on loving yourself, loving others, and having integrity. No need for pickup lines or practiced jokes, just be honest and kind.
There’s no such thing as a bad personality. We need all of the personality types to make the world awesome. I know some of you are second guessing me right now. Some of you may be even thinking of someone you dislike, or someone evil like Hitler, but the truth is even the worst people weren’t born with evil personalities. Think about it. Babies are born clean and bright with a desire to live, love, and be loved. Tragically, sometimes things get terribly twisted along the way, and people will use their natural talents for evil and heartbreaking things. Hitler is actually an excellent example of not prioritizing your image, because while he looked like a strong leader, during WW2 his health was on a steep decline. He was on a lot of drugs, and had serious IBS. His image was just a facade. I believe that if he had focused on having honest and good character he never would have done and become the terrible person he became. His natural talents would have flown into positive pathways. Think about it this way. When people say things like, “that person is so fake.” or “they have no personality” we don’t mean that the other person is an actual robot or wasn’t born with a personality. What we’re implying is that they are being superficial, dishonest, or aren’t acting with integrity. AKA don’t have what?... Character!
Now, we’ve all been there right. We’ve all been superficial, dishonest, and have done stupid things that didn’t align with how we truly felt or wanted to be. I’m not here to try and shame anyone. Right now I’m working on being more reliable by writing stuff down. The good news is there are bright days ahead, because if you flip the two and FOCUS ON YOUR CHARACTER (being honest, loving, hard working, patient, emotionally mature, trustworthy, and responsible human beings) your personality will naturally flow through your actions and into your life! You will naturally show your strongest, happiest, funniest, and most loving best self. You won’t have to force anything. You won’t need to create a skit in your head, or plan clever answers; rather you will be acting out of good conscience in your own unique way.
Another excellent part of building your character is how it grows your talents and abilities. When you grow your talents your personality is able to reach further, deeper, and higher than ever before, allowing you to connect you to more people. You don’t have to trick people into liking or hanging out with you. You don’t need to prove that you’re worth following or that you’re interesting. If you focus on doing the work to help you grow into a better person your value in the eyes of other people will naturally grow and you can create incredible trust with those around you. The image I like to use with my students is a funnel carrying water to a flower. The water is your personality, the flower is your life, and the funnel is your character. The more you grow the funnel, the greater the opportunities your personality has to water your life. A smaller funnel means less water, and a smaller garden.
There are examples of this in movies and in life all around us. In the movie ‘A Cinderella Story’ all the characters who were originally defined by their outside labels get exposed for who they truly were. In ‘A Knight's Tale’ the peasant boy who had the character and skills of a nobleman was knighted.
Your high school might have some people who seem really “cool” right now, but who aren’t developing mature characteristics to create healthy and fun relationships, or contribute to the world. On the other side, there are people, like my husband, who grow their strengths, and continue to do amazing things! My husband makes me smile and laugh and we enjoy many of the same activities, but honestly if my husband wasn’t honest, kind, and hard working I don’t think we could have gotten married. He’s someone I’m not just interested in having an interesting conversation with, he’s someone I want to be literal Best Friends Forever with.
Others might disagree, but I believe the truth about all of us will come out eventually, so don’t just be a pretty face, be the pretty person behind the face.
So, my challenge for you is next time you're in a social situation instead of worrying about how to get people to like you, go in and tell yourself, “I’m going to be reliable, honest, and super loving!”
You’ve got this!