Squash Drama
Drama isn’t what you were made to create.
Today I want to talk about how to eliminate drama because this last year it’s been so rewarding to help kids transform from social victimhood into leaders among their peers. They have been mending broken relationships and squashing drama and I couldn’t be more proud.
I also care about this topic because if we want peace in the world, we need to understand how to create peace with our friends, families, and in our communities.
Sometimes it’s difficult to identify when to speak up or fight, vs. when to calm down and forgive. As an instructor for a special education class I got a powerful piece of advice from a beloved wise cousin to help identify if you’re just adding chaos or creating peace, and it totally blew my mind. The advice is this;
If the problem is trying to escape then give it attention and if the problem is hungry for attention you need to starve it.
Let me explain what this means. As a teacher, if a student was trying to hide something or get away, then I made a serious effort to address the problem and bring it into the light. A good relevant example of this in our society is human trafficking. Human traffickers want to hide what they are doing because they know it’s terrible. It’s incredibly important to bring evil doings into the light, especially in cases like this with people sneaking around doing awful things.
Other times in my classes I’ve had students who did bad things to get attention from their peers or teachers. They didn’t care if it was negative attention; they just wanted to be seen. Although challenging we would really try to help them by ignoring or de-escalating their behavior, and then later on when they did something good we would give them lots of positive attention. The relevant example for this of course, is drama. Drama is often something flashy and exciting trying to get our attention, but also damaging. With drama you want to shut down the negative attention it’s getting and instead give attention to wonderful and good things that people do.
I’ll have to talk about how to use your voice and how to bring awareness and attention to big problems, but for today here are my top pieces of advice when faced with drama.
Keep Open Communication with Trustworthy Mentors: There is a difference between verbal processing and gossip. Verbal processing can be an excellent way to understand yourself and create an action plan in order to help everyone involved in a tough situation. Frustrated mocking ramblings with friends about other people is not a productive way to solve problems or build relationships. You should absolutely reach out to someone if you are in physical or emotional pain, but try to select people who can help heal the situation. Talking to friends is great, but there’s a reason why coaching works, and there’s a reason why I work especially hard to improve parent child relationships, it’s because everyone needs trustworthy ADULT mentors to talk to (READ ABOUT TRUSTWORTHY ADULTS). One reason it was easy for me to stay away from a lot of drama in high school is because my parents were CONSTANTLY instigating conversations with me about my school and friends. Although I sometimes felt annoyed, my parents gave me a trustworthy place to talk. When you do have conversations with your friends, have the guts to shut down gossip by kindly saying, “everyone makes mistakes,” “let’s let it go,” “they’re doing their best,” “we’re all unique and going through things.” or “we don’t need to talk about this.” Ask yourself, are you feeding the fire (even just with tiny drops of gasoline to keep it present), or are you healing the problem like cold water on a burn?
Take Responsibility: If you’re in it, then you're contributing to it because drama always starts in YOUR MIND. HOW you think and judge is what creates the actual drama. Think about it, has anyone ever dramatically told you a story you just didn’t think was that interesting, or have you ever seen someone freak out over something that you didn’t think was a big deal. Someone could say the worst rumors about you, or scream in your face, and you could decide to not care and move on. Someone could even be trying to hurt you and you could very calmly but confidently shout for assistance or sprint away. Like a firefighter, you can see the fire, and instead of freaking out, do the next right thing. Immature people blame other people for their thoughts and feelings, mature people can identify the absolute facts and take responsibility for their own perspective.
Feel Your Feelings: It’s hard to help a situation if your emotions aren’t in control. You can feel angry and not punch someone, you can feel jealous or insecure and not talk bad about people, you can feel embarrassed and not run away, and you can feel sad and not scream. Emotions are just energy waves inside your body that come from YOUR optional thoughts, so before you blame other people for your emotions realize that our feelings are actually a reflection of yourself.
Grow Your Ability To Love: The simplest way to cure friendships, drama, cliques, and mistakes is by leading with love. Accept the fact that you are surrounded by unique teenagers (and adults) who are still learning how to act maturely. Even though we’re all imperfect, life doesn’t have to be as painful as we make it out to be. We can either spend our time judging, hating, and competing with the people around us, or love them unconditionally. Please choose ethical people as close friends, but remember that everyone has done stuff they deeply regret. One simple kind thing you can do is, move on. Allow people to be newer, better versions of themselves. Do you want to be the person with a grudge, stuck in the past, holding everyone's mistakes over their heads, and constantly spreading their business like poison? Or do you want to be the person to allow everyone to grow and bloom?... the kind of person who everyone trusts to have their back and stops conversations that aren’t helpful or kind? Which kind of a friend would you want to have? Like I said before, sometimes we need to have serious conversations, stand up for what we believe, or face a problem head on, and other times we just need to forgive, handle our own emotions, walk away, and let the past go. Today is a new day.
Make Your Life Exciting In Healthy Ways: Although we as humans don’t like to admit it, we secretly like how drama can be exciting or interesting. I want you to have an exciting life, but hurting people or feeding off of drama isn’t the way. Even dramaticized media and news has an effect on us. Making decisions based on your future instead of what feels good in the moment is another sign of maturity. While exciting in the moment, drama can have painful consequences; like hurting imperfect, insecure, but loveable people around you. It can even cost you your relationships and precious trust. On the other hand when you help solve problems you earn the trust of your peers and build stronger relationships. Emotionally mature people see the excitement of drama, but have the vision and discipline to hold their tongue, deescalate a situation, or walk away.
Don’t Try To Control People Around You: It’s normal to wish other people would act differently, but unfortunately we can’t control others. Most teenagers don’t understand that healthy boundaries aren’t about manipulating others into doing what they want or creating rules for everyone else. Healthy boundaries are about deciding how YOU will act under difficult circumstances. Build a powerful positive influence and let your good example lead the way. We need your help in the world. Oftentimes the best thing you can often give is a good trail to follow.
Involve The Least Amount Of People As Possible: The internet is NOT a place for teenagers to discuss their opinions or share the conflicts of their classmates! I cannot emphasize that enough. Nobody under 18 needs their mistakes splattered on the internet and contrary to cultural beliefs, you do not need the world’s opinions on your personal conflicts! As minors you should always be extremely selective on what you share and with whom you share things. Never spread painful information to hurt others. If you see anything harmful online, report it to a trusted adult. Learn how to discuss and resolve problems face to face instead of over texts. Sometimes you will need to bring in more people to solve a problem, or your community will need to be made aware of dangerous situations, but always try to settle things as peacefully as possible.
Build Curiosity & Empathy: Work hard to see problems from other angles. Curiosity will help you to solve problems more effectively. Try to identify the actual facts, and separate them from your own opinions. Make space for your own errors and blind spots. There is so much you don’t know about the people around you, so try to not assume the unnecessary. Asking questions also helps others feel understood and valued.
Get Good At Apologizing: I hate to tell you that although your grandma or dad might tell you you’re perfect, you are not, but don’t worry! None of us are. Have a growth mindset. Notice when you’ve been wrong, give a sincere apology, try to make things right, and be better the next time.
Build Social Abundance: There is room for everyone to be loved. Self-confidence isn’t thinking you’re better than other people; it’s believing that you are 100% lovable just like everyone else. Believe it or not the kids around you want to be loved and seen just like you. Combat our human tendency to compare and compete with one another.
Be Kind To Yourself: This blog post isn’t here to shame anyone because we’ve all been there. We’ve all shared gossip, and hurtful opinions. We’ve all judged our neighbors too much, and have made things a bigger deal than they’ve needed to be. But no matter your previous mistakes, you are worth loving and forgiving. And you know what’s really cool? Showing people how you’ve grown and changed. One client used to constantly share the drama with her friends, but she slowly began to change and the drama went away. She led with love, repaired the things she could, and showed her peers a kinder wiser version of herself. By the end of coaching she actually became the president of a club she previously hated because there was so much drama, and shocked people by how kind she was. That can be you. You can move on. It’s not too late.