12 Steps For Social Growth
If you finished the last blog entry called ‘Socially Awkward’ then you now know a little more about why building healthy relationships is so important and how common it is for people to feel socially awkward.
This post is for those of you who are like, “well okay, what do I do now? I want to get better, but I feel stuck and… awkward.”
I love helping kids make friends, and deepen their friendships because it’s so much fun and satisfying to watch kids go from very insecure to confident! It’s hard to help you with your goals in a blog post but these 12 pieces of advice are things I go over with all my clients and I hope they help you a lot. Some of these might sound easy, others might sound hard, but all of them will help!! Read, practice, and let me know if there’s anything you would add or have questions about! I’m here to help!
Prioritize practice over perfect. It’s very simple. The more experience you have, the less socially awkward you will feel. Today is a great day to start! Some kids feel they need to say the “perfect” thing or feel paralyzed trying to find the “right” answers or comments or jokes. Luckily it isn’t about perfection. It’s about continuing to show up. Everyone is bound to say things they regret, but a few awkward moments can be replaced by hundreds of good ones if you keep practicing. Also, you don’t have to practice in front of a crowd. This might sound obvious, but if you’re nervous then practice before at home! Most kids know it’s helpful to study before a test, yet most kids are just winging it when they could practice before. When applying for jobs I’ve had my mom do mock interviews with me, as a missionary my companions and I practiced teaching the lessons to each other, before dates I would create a mental list of questions to ask my date in case things got awkward, and as a life coach I have kids practice conversations with me ALL the time! It can feel really silly, but it works! If you’re a parent, instead of going with your child to their interview, or accompanying them to school or social events, maybe it’s best to just break it down with them beforehand. Go over what they might expect, talk about possible outcomes, and practice with them. They might not like it in the moment, but they’ll be grateful. It’s true that a lot of life is improvisation and you can’t predict everything, but you can prepare yourself by studying and practicing the steps below. The more you experience you gain, the faster you will get better.
Build yourself up! Stop telling yourself that you are an awkward person! Even if you’ve had plenty of awkward moments, that's not your identity. Even if people try to label you, it’s still not your true identity. Everyone has times they leave an event and wish they had said something different, held their tongue, or had spoken up. Remind yourself of your strengths, personal value, and that we’re all just learning. Just because something is common (like social gatherings) doesn’t mean it’s all intuitive. Babies don’t come out of the womb giving dissertations. and teenagers don’t just turn 16 and all of a sudden just know how to date and make friends. You learn how! When you think it should be easy, remind yourself that most colleges have courses and majors based on communication. Tearing yourself down is a waste of time because it won’t help you feel more confident.
Accept that not all conversations are supposed to feel good. Of course, the more you practice the more comfortable you’ll feel, but believing you “shouldn’t” feel awkward will ironically make you act more insecure. Remind yourself that not every conversation has to feel amazing. I’m pretty extraverted, but I still feel uncomfortable in certain interactions. Your teenage years are interesting, because you’re learning how to engage more maturely. You’re no longer asking for playdates organized by your mom. You are stepping into new kinds of interactions that might feel uncomfortable, like asking for people’s numbers, inviting people to hang out, or having more mature conversations. Happy lives and big goals will require you to feel uncomfortable. First dates, interviews, parties, misunderstandings, diverse cultures, presentations, public speaking, teaching, introductions, extending invitations, new jobs, seeking out help, different opinions, and complicated problems are all normal parts of life, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t challenging or always feel good. Whenever I need to recall my broken Spanish the struggle is real, but it’s also rewarding to connect to people from all around the world! When I’m at events with new or intimidating people I know it’s going to take some extra work on my part, but it’s worth it!
Be kind! Maybe you’re sick of hearing it, but I’m not sick of saying it. It’s such an easy way to succeed! Too many kids are trying to look cool and clever instead of just caring about people around them. The good news is that kindness will ALWAYS be cool. I have a whole section in my course about this, but kindness helps take your focus off yourself and informs you how to best engage with people around you. It’s not hard to do and can be as simple as a smile. If nothing else, just be kind.
Take advantage of opportunities you have! Like Ecclesiastes 3 teaches us, there is a time and place for everything. I don’t want you sharing personal information with anyone, anytime and anywhere, because there are conversations that you should just have with people who truly care about you or that can help you, but when appropriate, I would encourage you to lean into the social opportunities around you more. There is time to talk and a time to listen. A time to share and a time to ponder. Look around you. There are tons of opportunities to ask questions, share encouragement or a sincere opinion, and invite others. Many of you are still in public school, with plenty of people to practice with. You don’t need to find the person you’re going to marry right now or decide on your life career, so in many ways right now is the perfect time to practice as much as you can so that you’ll be prepared when you're on your own. This could be as simple as saying hi in the hallway, or asking the person sitting next to you in class about how they are doing or about their favorite band. You don’t need to throw a huge party or have important insight on the universe in order to grow your social skills. It can be sweet and simple. The more you do this the more you’ll understand natural conversation cadences and feel confident.
Choose the real. Avoid making your online life your social life as much as possible! Everyone young and old needs to be setting fiercer boundaries with their screens. It is too addictive to pretend that you can just manage it on your own. Video games and social media can have a proper place, but don’t make these your main activities! If you’re trying to decide between video games and a physical sport then I would encourage you to pick the sport. If you are deciding between going to the party or staying home alone, I would probably encourage you to go to the party. Even though it takes more effort, building real human skills (not just online ones) have the potential to really help our lives. It’s ironic how many people with social media feel lonely, and it’s embarrassing how many people lose their sense of humanity and reality once they have the buffer of a screen. People online often say and do things they would never do in person. Many people online are dangerous, there is a lot more room for miscommunication, and it is not a substitute for in person interactions. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn’t say or share it outloud or in person don’t say it online, and if you wouldn’t act that way in public then don’t engage that way online. Please talk to trustworthy adults if you ever encounter tricky online situations.
Interact with diverse people. But why? Why can’t I just hang around my best friend Johnny McGee? Because, you will learn different social skills from different people, and more importantly our world depends on diverse people engaging and respecting each other! Eating lunch with different groups of kids in the middle school lunchroom taught me a lot about the interests and challenges teens my age faced. Visiting my grandma and her friends regularly in high school taught me a lot about mature, thoughtful conversations. Trying a performance group for a year in middle school taught me a lot about coed interactions. It makes me laugh a little thinking about it, but I was really nervous around boys in middle school because most of my friends were girls, but that random performance group gave me experience outside of school to help prepare me for high school. Doing service projects regularly also helped build my social confidence. Whenever I served people it forced me to be friendly, more curious, and less judgemental. It was a low risk social environment because I knew even though I enjoyed my time with them I probably wouldn’t see them again. Be smart and use good judgment by try to diversify your social interactions. If you only stay with people you feel comfortable around you won’t grow.
Be curious. Whether this involves asking questions out loud or to yourself, curiosity helps you take the focus off of yourself and understand how to connect with others. Sincere appropriate questions show people you care, and asking yourself questions about the social dynamics will help you to read the room. If you struggle knowing how to read the room then practice more actively paying attention to 1.) people’s body language, 2.) your setting, 3.) group dynamics, and 4.) conversational context. Active listening will help you to make informed decisions. If your heart rate goes up, or if you’re feeling social pressure then remind yourself to breathe, be present, and allow yourself to make intentional decisions instead of just reacting to your surroundings.
Show your value! If talking isn’t your favorite thing in the world, no fear!.. A lot of communication is nonverbal. I would still encourage you to practice talking to people, but sharing your other strengths can build social bridges. For example, maybe you're nervous to talk to people in class, but love to bake and you want to show you’re chill to be around… then bring a treat! It’s simple, it shows you care, and it would make for a perfect conversation starter. If you’re introverted but you love to play soccer, join a league or invite people to come play with you. Waving, smiling, and dabbing people up are all forms of communication. How you present yourself, your posture, and your ability to listen and care about others are all part of communication. I’m not saying you need to dress like a preppy approachable congresswoman (in fact that would probably go poorly in high school), but be aware of how you present yourself. Ask yourself, what is the biggest thing I want people to know about me? Then ask yourself, is how I present myself expressing that desire. If you want people to know you’re approachable don’t cover your face with your hoodie or strut down the hallway like you’re too “cool”. I recommend clothing and a posture that draws people up to your eyes and smile. Writing is also an important part of non verbal communication. Being able to write well crafted letters and emails is extremely important, and sadly I've talked to many teachers and professional adults who have brought up how kids don’t know how to write. Good grammar, legible handwriting, and growing your vocabulary is important. In a world that loves memes and abbreviations, make sure you also take the time to understand how to properly communicate your ideas.
Believe in group dates. I’ll have to do a separate blog post about dating because I have a lot of thoughts about this (comment below if that’s something you would be interested in), but here’s what I can tell you, when you're older, dating is likely to feel more serious, so practicing formal dating skills, manners, and creating conversation in the lower pressure environment of high school is awesome! Too many kids in high school are worried about getting a boyfriend/girlfriend when they should be more concerned or focused on getting to know a lot of different people, building healthy friendships, and becoming more trustworthy. Casual dates teach you how to plan, organize, invite, and create ongoing conversations. Take the pressure off finding a boyfriend or girlfriend and learn about as many people as you can so you can know what to look for in a future partner instead of just marrying the first person you feel comfortable talking to.
Practice before. This might sound obvious, but if you’re not sure what to say in certain situations then practice! Most kids know it’s helpful to study before a test, yet most kids are just winging it when they could practice before. When applying for jobs I’ve had my mom do mock interviews with me, as a missionary my companions and I practiced teaching the lessons to each other, before dates I would create a mental list of questions to ask my date in case things got awkward, and as a life coach I have kids practice conversations with me ALL the time! It can feel really silly, but it works! If you’re a parent, instead of going with your child to their interview, or accompanying them to school or social events, maybe it’s best to just break it down with them beforehand. Go over what they might expect, talk about possible outcomes, and practice with them. They might not like it in the moment, but they’ll be grateful. It’s true that a lot of life is improvisation and you can’t predict everything, but no one needs to wing it all the time.
Reserve important conversations with wise adults who can help you. Many kids are talking to new and often immature friends about serious topics that should be addressed with a trustworthy counselor or adult. Sometimes it’s helpful to discuss things with people who are in the trenches with you, but if you want to get out of the trench it would be wise to look to people who have gotten out. Most parents have a lot of wisdom that isn’t appreciated and while I want you to have awesome friendships I hope you prioritize relationships with people who can help you succeed in life. My parents, grandparents, teachers, and even many of my aunts and cousins have been huge anchors in my life. I’m grateful for parents who leaned into hard conversations with me even when I didn’t appreciate it at the time and I’m grateful for the advice of cousins and aunts who have lived terrific lives and have at times taken me under their wings. I guarantee you that there are good adults in your community that you can rely on. You are not an island. If something scary, uncomfortable, or even questionable has happened, speak up. You are loved and we believe in you!