Are you Socially Awkward?

Or are you not giving yourself a chance?

One phrase I’ve noticed is oddly common, especially among teenagers, is “I’m so awkward.”  The more I hear and reflect on this phrase the more I believe it shouldn’t be allowed.  I understand that many are naturally introverted, or sometimes we just tease about our awkwardness,I know that many face social anxiety, and I hope that if you’re struggling you’ll reach out for professional help, but with that said, I also know that a lot of our social awkwardness is due to our current culture of people self-isolating and a lack of experience.  This blog post is here to fight our culture's self-diagnosis of being “socially awkward” because whether we like it or not the future of our homes, communities, even countries depends on us communicating and working together.

To start you need to understand that living in communities is what has historically kept us alive and safe.  Have you ever watched the show ‘Alone’?  If not, it’s a reality show where contestants try to survive the longest in wilderness areas alone.  Although the half a million dollars is huge motivation and the competitors are true experts of wilderness survival, the longest these well trained outdoor enthusiasts usually last is just a couple of months.  Did you hear that?  JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS.  We need to remember that social skills are not only what has helped us make friends, but also stay alive.  None of us would be alive if we were totally alone, but for some reason we think we’re safer alone.

Only we aren’t.  

Even with door dash, TVs, social media, cellphones, amazon, and indoor plumbing we still need other people.  There have been countless studies on how healthy relationships influence our mental and physical health.  In an 85 year long Harvard study it was discovered that positive relationships were the top determiner to keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer.  It’s crazy to realize how positive relationships scored higher than money, career achievement, exercise, and even a healthy diet!

It might not seem true but it is.  Another good example of this is how Frederick II, the Holy Roman Emperor from 1194–1250 AD, once did an experiment to try to discover what language they would form when they don’t interact or are influenced by adults.  Unfortunately they never found out what language the babies would develop because although they were amply fed, taken care of and kept safe, without human love and interaction ALL of the babies died.  Not some, ALL.  How incredibly tragic.

So, why are so many kids today struggling?

Growing social skills has never been easy.  The only difference is that now it’s easier to escape social interaction.  Kids are self isolating more than ever before and it’s affecting their development and their mental health in dangerous ways.

The big reason I feel people around my age and older were able to socially mature was because it was expected.  There was no other way.  We didn’t have any outs.  We weren’t smarter, hotter, or cooler than kids now.  We were just unknowingly forced into interacting more, so we did our best, made a bunch of mistakes, learned from those mistakes, and then showed up more educated the next time.  If I wanted friends I had to talk to people.  There wasn’t another option.  

Sometimes I wish I had been part of even older generations when social gatherings were more appreciated, well written letters were more common, and people took time in their interactions.  The truth is that kids now can entertain themselves on their own and don’t feel as much of a need to engage socially.  Instead of finding ways to entertain themselves outside or with others, kids easily entertain themselves without having to see a single person or even step outside of their room.  Unfortunately for them, online interactions are not true substitutes for in person ones.  We are so lucky to be able to have so many ways to reach people all over the world, but it can also be extremely dangerous as well as misconceiving to what healthy conversations and interactions look like.

In a few days there will be another blog post about my top 12 pieces of advice for kids who are struggling socially, but the big thing I want you to know right now is you aren’t broken or an anomaly.  Feeling uncomfortable is just part of life and oftentimes when we feel uncomfortable it means we’re growing.  You are not socially awkward!  Everyone has to go through awkward and sometimes painful periods of social growth.  Why do you think middle schools are so notorious for being awful or weird?  It’s because most 12-15 year olds are right in the middle of a social shift.  They aren’t kids that want their mom’s to schedule play dates, but they don’t have the social maturity and experience of adults.  Even when you leave middle school your social life will have plenty of ebbs and flows as your life changes!  There’s a really good chance you’ll move, meet new people, try different hobbies, have conflicts, and learn more about yourself, so don’t put yourself down!

If you ever find yourself thinking about kids who seem super confident in social settings, then know there's a really good chance that they either are hiding real insecurities, they’ve practiced a lot, or they’re in a familiar setting that they are comfortable with.

If you are an introvert, I don’t want you to think that a social life isn’t for you.  Even if big gatherings never become your favorite, you have social strengths that super chatty or extraverted people don’t.  Introverts are often great listeners, clearer communicators, very observant, and are trusted to be more sincere.  Our communities need all personality types in order to thrive, so don’t give up.  

Love yourself and stop telling yourself that you are socially awkward.